


Sordid!

by Jaune_Chat



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Asgardian Pornography, Crack, Femdom, Gen, Nude Photos, Pole Dancing, Porn, Sex Tapes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-31
Updated: 2012-05-31
Packaged: 2017-11-06 09:13:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/417200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaune_Chat/pseuds/Jaune_Chat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sex tape of Tony's surfaces.  What's funny isn't that he's done porn.  The funny part is <i>everyone else</i> has too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sordid!

"See you made the front page of the gossip mags again Tony."

Tony didn't even look up from the wiring array he was tinkering with at the breakfast table. "What's it this time? Last night's party? The goat thing was totally not my fault, swear."

"Your ass," Natasha said. She dropped the magazine in front of him. "Specifically, your naked ass and the three ladies admiring it on video."

Tony looked at the magazine, then Natasha, then moved his wiring array back on top. His casual moves didn't hide the blush creeping up his face.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," he said defensively.

"They always do," Clint said, sitting down at the other side of the table, banana in hand.

It took Tony almost five seconds to process that. "Wait-."

Clint tossed him a shit-eating grin and slowly slid the banana into his mouth, smoothly taking the whole thing down his throat with a hard-on inducing moan. He pulled it out before Tony could inadvertently impale himself with the wires he was clutching.

"Needed the cash for college. Wasn't a bad gig for the hours," he said in explanation, peeling the fruit and suggestively swirling his tongue around the tip.

"You can stop that any time, you know," Tony said in a strangled voice.

Clint smiled and licked another stripe up the banana before biting off a piece. "I know."

Tony swallowed, hard.

"I was kinda expecting you to have a tape come out earlier, Stark. I mean, after we found Bruce's work..."

"We do not have to go into that, ever again!" Bruce yelled from the kitchen.

"Redtube. Search for Hulksturbation," Natasha whispered.

"If you want to have to invest in brain bleach," Steve added with a wince, preceding Bruce out with a towering stack of pancakes on a platter. "By the way, never surf the Internet in the living room again," he said to Natasha, looking pained.

"Spoilsport," Natasha grinned.

"Hulksterbation?" Tony repeated softly. 

"I really, _really_ needed the money and that was the only time someone asked for something from the Other Guy that wasn't destroying things or killing people now will you all please shut up about it?" Bruce said rapidly, and downed a half-quart of orange juice to try to cool his blushes. 

Tony's own blush had faded and his cocky grin was starting to come back.

"I have never understood your people's aversion to such things. In Asgard, we have fine appreciation for lovemaking," Thor declared, thumping back his (heavily reinforced, because Tony was tired of getting the cleaning staff to sweep the Tower hourly) mug onto the table. Thor leaned over to pluck one of Tony's glossy coffee table books from a shelf and opened it proudly to a page he'd clearly consulted often. 

It was one of Pepper's ancient art books, the Norse section, naturally. With highly detailed pictures of a bunch of engravings. Of Thor. Naked. With his hammer... and his hammer. In positions that put the Kama Sutra to shame, with that warrior lady god who'd dropped by Earth to visit last time. In, quite possibly, every single form of terrain that northern Europe had to offer.

"Wow. Proud of yourself, aren't you?" Tony asked.

Thor beamed proudly, the sarcasm bouncing right off of him.

"You ought to see 'Tasha's," Clint said, having finished with one banana, and was now peeling another. With slow, sensuous strokes. Tony was convinced he was doing it just to see if Steve's face would get any redder.

"Yes we should," Tony said immediately, and turned to her expectantly, chin in his hand as if waiting to be told a story.

She shrugged, as if it wasn't a big deal. "Femdom. It was for an assignment. There's still probably a few copies of the magazine around somewhere, if you read Russian and want to know more."

"Not only do we need to know more, I think a demo might be in order," Tony said, grinning broadly.

Natasha leaned forward slowly, undoing the top two inches of her jumpsuit to reveal a bit of cleavage, smiling the entire time. "Stark, I just want you to know..."

Tony nodded, eyes nailed to Natasha's breasts. So that he didn't see her sneak the dishtowel off Bruce's shoulder and crack it expertly on Tony's thigh. 

"Ow! Damnit!' 

"I know how to use a whip."

Bruce, Clint, and Thor roared with laughter as Tony jumped and rubbed his tender flesh.

"Can we _please_ possibly not talk about porn over breakfast?" Steve pleaded.

"Like you're one to talk, Captain Tight-Ass," Clint said.

Steve's blushing reached new heights, or rather, depths of shades of red, as Tony sat up and took a second look at him.

"No way." Tony's jaw dropped.

"I thought they were for science!" Steve protested, eyes shifting. "You know, documenting the effects of the serum?"

"With mood lighting and you in your birthday suit and sometimes a strategically-placed shield?" Clint pressed. 

Steve turned nearly purple. "IthoughtIlookedprettygood," he mumbled. 

"Yes you do," Natasha said.

"Ok, ok, it was pin-ups for the WAC." He let out a huge breath in relief, and his color started to go back to normal. "I mean, I was already dancing around on stage anyway, you know?"

"So why not just take your clothes off too? Yeah, I hear you," Clint said, nodding in understanding.

"Yeah, that was-. Wait, what?" Steve asked.

"I'd tell you, but someone just put a moratorium on us talking about our sordid pasts, and particularly my pole-dancing years, at the table so I can't say anything. Sorry." Clint plucked a donut off Tony's plate and licked at the glaze thoughtfully, eyes crinkling in amusement.

"Ok, so I'm totally done with breakfast," Tony said abruptly, and turned to Clint. "I got a few extra tapes on file. I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

Natasha hid a smile as Thor proclaimed his interest in viewing the others' sexual prowess, while Bruce and Steve looked at each other with expressions of desperate solidarity. She had to leak Tony's tapes more often; entertainment on this scale was hard to come by.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for [avengerkink for the prompt:](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/5102.html?thread=4917998)  
> Avengers team, everyone's done porn  
> A sex tape of Tony Stark surfaces. He's only a little embarrassed, but is astonished that nobody on the team thinks it's a big deal. Cap did some "blue" pin-ups for the WACs back in the day, Bruce has put some weird Hulksturbation videos on Redtube, Natasha was in Russian femdom porn for an undercover thing, Clint was gay-for-pay back in college, and even Thor has a small collection of erotic portrayals of himself symbolically fertilizing the land by screwing the heck out of an unrealistically submissive Sif.


End file.
